sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
