I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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