He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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