True but thats because hes a fetus.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
