they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
True strength comes from lack of pants
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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