no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Yo dont text me then not text me
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
