I'm lost and stupid without you.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
