I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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