why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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