Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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