there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
