The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize