Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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