There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
