You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I didn't shave. On purpose
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
