Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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