Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
