Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
