brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
