ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
