i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
