you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
