i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
