I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
