Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
