I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
