You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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