dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
