I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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