Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
