I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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