Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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