I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
