I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Vodka?
Forever.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
