I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
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