Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
