Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
