So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just gargled with NyQuil
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
