my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
