I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Randomize
