tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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