It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
