worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
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