I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
last night I used snow as a chaser
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
