so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize