Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
