i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
