I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
