So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
