I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
