This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
