i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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