There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
