my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
