it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
