Soap is not a condiment
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
