Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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