My sheets look like a crime scene.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
