Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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