Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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