So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
