who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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