Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize