apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize