I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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