I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
