I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize