The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Randomize