seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
