Jerry, you need to find god
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize