I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
