god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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